


How To Be In Love With The Bane Of Your Existence

by wordsss



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: L - Freeform, M/M, Slow Burn, i want to say more in the tags but i dont want to spoil this, its pretty awesome that i can tho lmao, there's some homophobia here
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-23
Updated: 2017-11-11
Packaged: 2018-11-04 01:49:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10979865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wordsss/pseuds/wordsss
Summary: A Step By Step Guide By Iwaizumi Hajime and Oikawa Tooru.





	1. Preface: Realizing you have a problem

Hajime wakes at 5:05 AM, grumpy and tired from staying up till one. He stares at his phone for a second. He could still hit snooze and get an extra 15 minutes of shut-eye if he wanted. He groans, a bit more sleep seems so appealing right now. But he knows he shouldn’t. With nothing but sheer willpower, he the rejects the idea. He gingerly presses dismiss and climbs out of bed. He is the biggest fool in the world for letting himself stay up so late. He refuses to believe it’s all his fault.

Slowly, Hajime dresses for morning practice, and curses himself for befriending the most aggravating idiot in the world. He runs a hand through his hair, and accepts his exhaustion with a sigh. He makes his way to the kitchen to start on breakfast. He has about 20 minutes before his father wakes. He wants to be at least halfway done by then. 

Hajime muffles his yawns against the back of his hand. He swore that he would stop rising to Tooru’s baits weeks ago. They both have volleyball practice in the mornings now. Neither of them can afford to stay up all night like they did through spring break. But of course Tooru, being the insufferable bastard that he is, comes up with something every other night. Last night, he  _ dared  _ proclaim Jurassic Park to be a better movie than Godzilla. Hajime could let a lot of things go. But anything concerning Godzilla is not in that list.

Hajime fumbles with the rice cooker a bit. The battered old machine should already be beyond repair. He needs to tell his father to buy a new one next month. Once he has the rice cooker loaded and running, he makes a cup of coffee for himself. He drains the mug a little faster than he usually would. If the drink burns his tongue, he pays it no mind. He needs the caffeine if he is to be a person. Once Hajime feels a bit more awake, he starts mixing batter for pancakes. He had the foresight to have the side dishes for lunch prepared in the evening. He is debating if he should start heating them up, when Iwaizumi Nobou walks into the kitchen.

“Good morning.” His father takes place next to Hajime, already dressed for work at half past five. He grabs his own apron and turns on the stove. Hajime quietly pushes the bowl of batter towards him and moves to get the rice.

“Bold statement.” Hajime grumbles.

Nobou laughs, “I wish you’d go to sleep earlier. Growing boys need 7 hours of sleep at the very least and you are an athlete. You should rest more.”

“And leave breakfast and lunch to you? Not happening.”

“You say as if I am a bad cook!” He starts setting the table. He smiles at Hajime when their eyes meet, thankful and proud. Hajime could swear that nobody smiles better than his dad. If he gets to be on the receiving end of one of those, getting up at this ungodly hour is somewhat worth it.

They work in practiced synchronicity. Nobou goes over his plans for the day and Hajime answers in hums and grunts. They both turn their heads towards the door when there's a knock. They both know it's Tooru. He always arrives just when breakfast is ready. Not a moment earlier or later. It’s one of his magic powers or something. Another one of his powers is to wake the demon twins without getting murdered. It’s his part in the Iwaizumi family morning routine.

Nobuo smiles with a fondness reserved for Tooru and goes to open the door. Hajime continues making lunchboxes for the family. He doesn't turn even when his father comes back with the setter. He concentrates on drawing a smiley on Megu’s lunch instead. Determined to be mad at his childhood friend. It’s Tooru’s fault Hajime is so tired, dammit. 

“Iwa-chan, you look more awful than usual.” The little shit casually rests his chin on Hajime's shoulder. Hajime barely stops himself from jolting.

“Who’s fault is that, I wonder.” His voice remains nonchalant even though his heart definitely picked up the pace. He never did find out why Tooru being in his personal space shoots thunder through Hajime’s nervous system.

“Now, you definitely can't blame this on genes. The rest of your family is gorgeous! If only you were more beautiful on the inside-”

“Why you little!” And the weird heart-racing, hand-shaking effect is instantly undone. Hajime gently closes the lid on the lunch box and turns to lunge at Tooru with all the fierceness he can manage. The taller yelps but he has already jumped away from Hajime and taken refuge behind Nobou.

“Nobou-san, save me!”

“Quit it, Hajime.” Nobuo doesn’t bother hiding the smile in his voice, “I have an important meeting today. Don't jinx it!”

“Yeah, Hajime! Don't jinx it!” Tooru sticks out his tongue at Hajime before skipping inside to wake the girls.

* * *

 

Once Tooru has gotten the girls, the five of them have breakfast together. Nobuo sips his tea as Megu talks animatedly about her dreams, entirely too cheery. She’s either a demon in the morning or a chatterbox. Today she seems to be the latter. Kaori and Hajime share a look. Kaori subtly gestures at Megu.  _ “Should I?”  _

Hajime shakes his head,  _ “Please, do.” _

Kaori winks at Hajime, “ _ For you, big brother.” _ and pulls out a ‘shut up’ ticket she’s been saving. Megu pouts at that but otherwise quiets down. Hajime is thankful even though Nobuo frowns at Kaori. But the green-eyed girl in question unceremoniously eats her pancakes. She even shoots Hajime a smile.

Nobou catches that. Hajime can tell he is itching to say something to Kaori. Megu, as technically the youngest, always has been Nobou’s favorite. But scolding Kaori is out of the question her. Because, it was Nobou who came up with the idea of using action tickets like currency in this house. The small man grows tense with his own frustration. It’s actually kind of funny. Hajime turns to Tooru say smoething. But he is cut short. This was a mistake on Hajime’s part. Because when he looks at Tooru, he realizes that Tooru’s smile could outshine the sun.

Hajime feels his heart skip a beat. That inexplicable feeling from before returns with intensity. He feels bigger than he is. He feels lighter, warmer, and a hundred other things in less than a second. It makes him wonder how his insides haven’t burst yet. God, he’s known this feeling for so long but he can’t decide if it’s wanted or not. Thinking about this overwhelms him. He’s not ready to face it just yet. So he runs. One day he’ll have to deal with it, but that day isn’t today. 

Hajime swallows hard and pushes his hand over Tooru’s face, “Stop smiling like that. It's creepy.”

“Oh my goodness, it's true!” Tooru exclaims, as soon as he pulls his hand away. 

“What is, Tooru-nii?” Megu breaks her begrudging silence to ask, eager to end the quiet. 

“You see Megu-chan, my brother always told me pure smiles bother people with black hearts but I didn't believe him until now,” He dramatically twists his body to face Hajime, “I’m so sorry, Iwa-chan, I'll be more considerate of you.”

“Why you-”

“Boys, please!”

* * *

 

As usual, by the time Hajime and Tooru leave, it’s past six. As usual, they race each other to school. 

“Loser buys lunch,” Tooru declares as he shoots past Hajime. His shit-eating grin is wiped off his face when Hajime wins. Tooru whines about it being unfair through morning practice. Even though Hajime can tell that the taller let him win today. He can always tell when Tooru is holding back. But the reasoning behind it another unsolved mystery.

Class goes as it always does. The teachers drone about how important third year is for them and how they should start thinking about the future. Kirishima, the newly appointed class rep of 3-5, bursts into  his class during 3rd period.

“Sensei,” He pants, near tears, “Can I borrow Iwaizumi-san for a second?”

“Oikawa is skipping, huh?” Aoba Jousai, like all private schools, is fairly small. Although someone like Oikawa Tooru would probably be popular in larger schools too. But Seijou is very selective about students. Everyone here is either from money, or particularly gifted in academics or sports. Tooru happens to be all three. Even more, he often takes the liberty to skip class for no reason at all. In the beginning he used to say mumbo-jumbo about it being for volleyball. Like how, he does this meditation thing to keep his concentration during matches. But everyone quickly figured out that it was just an excuse. Akizawa-sensei already had experience with the famous setter’s ‘breaks’. He only sighs. “Iwaizumi-kun, if you’d please.. ”

Hajime already has his phone out, “I’m sorry about him, Kirishima. I’m texting him right now. You should check the spare room between the library and 2-3. If he's not there, he's probably in the 2nd gym.” He sighs, “Do punch him in the face. Say it's from me.”

So, yes, business as usual.

Hajime walks up to the roof for lunch. Hanamaki and Matsukawa are already there. But Tooru is off with some girl again. Hajime is rather irritated even though Tooru dropped by during break to let him know.

“Here's your prize for winning today's race,” He said in the most annoying tone possible, and slipped a curry and a milk bread in Hajime's bag. “Don't miss me too much. Okay~?” he sang before gleefully skipping away. 

Hajime bites into the first piece of bread with all the malice he can muster. He’s not very fond of bread but he didn’t make a lunch box for himself today. He, like a dumbass, forgot his wallet at home too. So it’s either the bread, or go hungry. Normally, Hajime would be grateful. But whatever gratitude he might feel is overpowered by annoyance. Either way, he pays it little mind and teams up with Hanamaki to wage war against Matsukawa when the latter claims that the “kimi ni todoke” is a bad manga. 

“This is blasphemy!” Hanamaki declares. 

“I take back the time I said you're cool. There's something wrong with you.” Hajime crosses his arms. .

He is still oddly off the rest of the day.

* * *

 

Afternoon practice is what gets Hajime back in gear. Coach splits the club into a few teams with a third-year captaining each. Hajime gets Shouta from 2-4, Kohaku from 2-5 and three first years he didn't get the chance to know very well yet. But they have potential, especially the more nervous one. If that kid could get a hold of himself, he would make a good spiker. He tries to encourage that boy but that only gets him more flustered.

“Look, Oikawa, we have another one.” Hajime overhears Hanamaki yell from the next court. “At this rate, there will be an army you have to fight off. Bet you-” Hajime hears the familiar thud of the ball hitting the floor.

“Now, now, Makki, shouldn’t you be focusing on our match?” Hajime doesn’t need to look to know Tooru has  _ that look _ on his face, “I’m going to aim the next one at you too. Try to receive that.”

Shouta serves the ball and Hajime focuses on his game again. But he can’t help but wonder what the heck was Hanamaki talking about. 

Hajime’s team win their game. Mostly because his team has pretty experienced players, and not to brag, but he is seijou’s ace for a reason. To add, Matsukawa drew the shortest stick and got stuck with only Jirou from second year, the most unmotivated player in the team, and all his first years will end up quitting from the looks of it. Although Jirou uncharacteristically worked plenty hard today, their team couldn't keep up.  But Jirou really did try today. Hajime thinks he ought to acknowledge that. 

“Good game.” Hajime says, and slaps the second year’s back, “Your spikes are a lot more harder to receive now. You’ve gotten stronger.” He grins

“Hajime-san,” Jirou sounds breathless, another testament to how much effort he put in today, “Thank you. I-”

“You still need to work on your receives and serves, Jirou-chin. And you zoned out during the last half of your second set. That won't do. At this rate the first years are going to pass you.” Tooru butts in, throwing an arm around Hajime’s shoulder and already driving him away, “I am  _ so  _ sorry but I need Iwa-chan. Thanks for understanding. We'll leave you to reflect on your game, bye!” 

Tooru pulls Hajime to the edge of the court before he manages to breaks away. “What that  fuck was that Oikawa?”

“What was what?” Tooru feigns innocence.

“You know exactly what I'm talking about. Don't you dare act like you don't!”

“Oh c’mon, Iwa-chan! You know what I said was true.”

“But you didn't have to say it like that!”

“You know I did. Jirou-chin needs the push. He’s not very good and he has no drive to improve. I tolerated him playing half-heartedly for a year already. I’m not willing to put up with more.”

“But he put a lot of effort in today's game! You should encourage that! You're the damned captain, aren't you?”

“Iwa-chan,” Tooru says, quieter, “Jirou-chin will always do his best when he's in front of you. He doesn't need anymore reinforcement.”

“Huuuh?” Hajime puts on his most intimidating face. 

“Okay, okay! I get it! I'll apologize before we go home! Don't get angry! But right now, we need to talk about-” He starts rambling about the potentials among the first years and which ones needs extra training.

Hajime lets it go. He lists the first years he noticed and lets himself be distracted with arguments over next week’s regime. They continue arguing until Tooru apologises to Jirou in the club room like he promised. Jirou accepts the apology with a somber smile and a guilty look. 

“What a terrible personality you have.” Hajime mutters offhandedly, while locking up the club room.

“Iwa-chan! I apologized!” Tooru whines.

And they leave it at that. Conversation flows like it always does between them as heads to towards the Tooru’s. Hajime always spends Fridays and most of Saturday there. It’s nothing short of a ritual now.

“Mom, we’re home! Hajime’s here too.” Tooru yells out when they arrive, effortless.

“Tooru you brought Hacchan!!” Tooru’s mother rushes to greet them, as if she didn’t expect him already. “Welcome home, you two!” She smiles that motherly smile of hers. “It’s been so long since I saw you Hacchan. You grow more handsome by the day.”

“You don’t need to flatter me, ma. I already know about that floorboard and I’m going to fix it anyway. Free of charge, just for you.” Hajime puts on his slippers and grins at her.

“Oh, Hacchan! You’re the best. This is why I made your favorite for dinner. Gods, Tooru and his father could learn a thing or two from you. Even  Mitsuru is useless compared to Hacchan. ”

“ _ Mom _ !” Tooru takes Hajime’s bag, “I’m standing right here.

“Shut up, Tooru. I told you to fix that board ages ago and you whined about setter hands and what not.” She turns Hajime when Tooru disappears upstairs to his room. “My dumb son never does his chores. I worry about him sometimes. We might have babied him too much.” 

“The youngest are always spoiled.” Hajime nods, making himself comfortable on the couch. “My youngest sister is pretty useless too.”

“Megu-chan? Really? She looks like so responsible though.”

“It’s the glasses. She’s a big baby.”

“Can’t a bigger baby than my Tooru.”

“You know I can’t really argue with you there, ma.”

“I hate you both! Why do you two always talk shit about me?” Tooru plops down on the couch and immediately rests his head on Hajime’s lap. “I’m a good person! I don't deserve this.”

“Do your chores then, dumbass.”

“I do them!”

“No you don't, spoiled son of mine. Hacchan is always doing your work when he’s here.”

“Mom, Don’t you see? Iwa-chan and I practically share the same mind. Him doing it is me doing it. Right, Hajime?” Tooru looks up at him and smiles.

When they were younger, they always used each other’s first names. It was something neither of them really thought about it.  But in the first year of middle school, a classmate said something about how that was strange. He made some jokes about first names being for girls. Nobody had taken him seriously. Names are just names, after all. How was what they called each other anyone else’s business? So yes, everyone in class ignored him. Everyone except Tooru. He almost pointedly started calling Hajime “Iwaizumi” from the next day. That had irked Hajime far too much then it should have and it resulted in the two of them fighting like never before.

There were some harsh words thrown around and Hajime had grabbed Tooru by the collar before someone tore them apart. They didn’t talk for a week after. Hajime felt worse then ever. But pride kept him away from his best friend. Thankfully, volleyball tryouts came soon and they always played best with each other. Slowly, they had drifted back together without even realizing. Hajime even got over his ego and apologized. Soon enough “Iwaizumi” turned to “Iwa-chan” as every other boy in class received nicknames of their own. But sometimes the nickname felt a subtle reminder that Hajime had placed himself too high on Tooru’s list. During the time his mouth learned to pronounce “Oikawa” when his head thought “Tooru”, Hajime learned to know his place. 

But moments like this throws him off. Just when Hajime thinks that he values Tooru more than the other values him, Tooru does something. Small gestures. Not worth mentioning. But they speak volumes. Like how he charms Hajime’s family into making action tickets for him. How Tooru claimed a chair for himself at Hajime’s dining table. How he arranges and rearranges their bookshelves everyday Monday. Little things like this are what effects Hajme the most. By the ace realized what was going on, Tooru had already cut a Tooru-shaped hole in Hajime’s life that nobody but him can fill.

But it’s not a one way street. Tooru takes a lot from Hajime, but he gives so much more. He gave Hajime a volleyball once. Hajime first saw Godzilla right here, in this very couch. He’s never had an older brother. So Tooru shared his own with Hajime. Hajime never had a mother either, until Riko. Tooru gave him a sense of belonging, a sense of safety, a home away from home and family away from family. Tooru pushed and pulled until Hajime was in every aspect of Tooru’s life. Until, there was a Hajime-shaped space in Tooru’s life that Tooru wouldn’t let anyone but Hajime fill.

What is sharing a mind, when they have been sharing lives? 

“Nope! I’m definitely not sharing a mind with you. Never, ever, ever, ever.” Hajime pushes Tooru off his lap, “ _Ever_.”  he adds for good measure. 

“That last ever was totally uncalled for!!” 

“Now, Tooru. Hacchan can decide who he shares his mind with.”

“Mom!”

“Thank you, ma.”

“I’m never bringing Iwa-chan over again!! You two are worse than Makki and Matsun when you’re together.”

“How is Takahiro-kun and Issei-kun doing by the way? I haven’t seen them in forever. Your father wants to ask Takahiro-kun about this meme thing.”

Hajime and Tooru groan in unison before bursting into laughter. 

Hajime doesn’t remember a time before this. A time before Tooru and his family. He has only vague memories coming over for the first time. His dad was dropping him off here, and taking Kaori and Megu to see their mother. Nobou had walked him from the car to the front door. He remembers being intimidated by the big white house. He remembers the nerves nipping at him when Riko opened the door. There was a conversation. He doesn’t remember it. But Riko had ut him at ease through just a few words. What he does remember is how Tooru had hurled himself at Hajime the moment he got past the threshold and into the house. By the time his dad came to pick him up, Hajime was reluctant to leave. Tooru had already secured his place in Hajime's heart. At the end of the day Riko had too. He went back that day knowing what a mother felt like and the fond nickname-

“Hacchan?” Hajime snaps back to the present. “Hacchan, are you okay with beef?” 

His brain takes a moment too long to process the question and he’s left too baffled to reply. “Iwa-chan is okay with anything you cook.” Tooru answers for him. “You know, he is.”

“Well, then. I’ll get started on dinner. Beef curry and Agedashi Tofu, it is.” Riko leans down to kiss Tooru’s cheek and then kisses Hajime's too. “You boys be good.”

“Wanna play Mario kart?”  Even if Tooru phrases it as a question, it’s not. He’s already sitting up and setting up the controller's.

“Sure.” Hajime sits up, too. He’s always up for obliterating Tooru in video games. 

The rest is no different from any other Friday. They play three rounds of Mario Kart and Hajime wins 2-1. Tooru’s father comes home and they all have dinner together. Riko gushes about some neighborhood party. Tooru's dad, Yashiru, makes heart-eyes at her the whole time she speaks. Hajime thinks it’s sweet. But Tooru doesn’t share the sentiment. The taller brushes his feet against Hajime's ankle and swipes a finger over his neck, the universal sign for 'kill me.' But as per usual, Yashiru catches him. What starts as a lecture about respect, somehow turns to Yashiru retelling how he proposed to Riko all over again.

Hajime and Tooru move up to Tooru’s room after dinner. Hajime gets started on homework while the other puts on his headphones and rewatches one volleyball match or the other. It’s nice, comfortable. He feels safe in a unique way. He doesn't feel like this anywhere else, with anyone else. This is-Out of the blue, Hajime's mind offers a name for that overwhelming emotion he feels for Tooru

His eyes find Tooru almost automatically and Hajime thinks to himself, “ _ Oh _ .” 

The other boy is hunched in front of the computer. His brown eyes sharp and focused, arms hugging a pillow close to chest. He doesn't look away from the screen but curls his lips into a half smile. Hajime knows he’s noticed his gaze. “What is it, Iwa-chan? Have you finally realized your feelings the great Oikawa-san? ”

_ "Yes,"  _ His mind supplies, unhelpfully. Hajime's cheeks heat up almost instantly. He thanks heaven for his dark complexion and snaps, “Shut up, Shiitykawa! It’s late put that away and let's go to bed.”

“Oho! Eager to  _ go to bed _ , are we, Iwa-chan? My, how provoking.”

“Oh my god. Shut up!”

“Is that, are you, holy shit I have to take a picture! You're blushing!!”

Hajime attacks Tooru with a pillow. 


	2. Step 1: Don't except

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Realization and acceptation are two very different things. Dear reader, do not affirm your cognizance by acknowledging this any further.

Tooru is good at noticing things. He always has been. That's one of the (many) qualities that make him a great setter. He picks up the smallest changes in his players. Be it a twitch in their legs or a certain gleam in their eyes, Tooru sees it all and he uses that in their advantage. This is also why Tooru is captain. This is the reason there's no one better to _lead_ than him.

His ability to notice also extends out of the court. Again, one of his many secrets to being popular. He notices things and remembers. Everybody loves attention and Tooru is nothing if not attentive. It’s one of Tooru’s favorite things about himself. But it does come with certain disadvantages. Like being painfully aware of Hajime’s subtle change in behavior that nobody else has even noticed. It’s been almost a month since Tooru caught it and Hajime is still being…weird.

Here's the deal though, Hajime is generally an open person. He’s a bit gruff, a bit rough around the edges and blunt to the point of fault sometimes. It's very unlike him to try hard to attempt everything is good when it’s not.

Hajime only ever acted strange like this was when he was trying to hide something. The last time was when his father was hospitalized back in the second year of middle school. But that had been only for a day. Hajime had been a bit quiet all through school and skipped volleyball practice. Tooru couldn’t figure out why until he got a call in the dead of the night.

_“Tooru?” His voice was heavy, raw, like he was holding back tears._

_Tooru instantly sat up straight, wide awake. “Hajime, what's wrong?” He checked the clock, it read one in the morning._

_“My dad… he passed out at work last night. He’s at the hospital._ _Gonna have to stay there a while.” Tooru felt his heart miss a beat. Hajime’s father was a small man. Shorter than even Megu and thin enough that he looked breakable. He was soft-spoken, and kind. Tooru had grown to love him as his own.  The image of Nobuo in a hospital bed hurt like nothing else. “I didn’t want to say anything. But … Can you ask ma if we, I mean me and my sisters, Kaori and Megumi , if we can stay with you guys...for a while, I guess. I, I don't think we can stay in the apartment on our own...”_

_“Yes, of course. you know you can. This is your home too.” Tooru breathed out. “Oh,  Hajime, I am so sorry.”_

_“Yeah…still ask ma, would you?”_

_“You know there's no need. Just come over. I'm telling her right now..”_

_“Would it still be okay if I bring Kaori and Megu?”_

_“Yes, of course.”_

_“That's good…” Hajime laughed weakly, his voice cracking towards the end, “I’m kind of in front of your house.”_

 

* * *

 

Hajime was only 13 then. At 13, emotions were embarrassing. Boys didn’t talk about feelings. Boys sucked it up, so they could become men. At least that's what Tooru and the rest of the boys thought. Some people still believe that. That you are supposed to hide your emotions because of your stupid assigned gender yet people would still see through anyway. At 13, Hajime had found the courage to say what he needed to say and asked for the things he needed. After that he never went back to hiding vulnerability behind egg-shell masks. Nobody could call him an open book exactly. But he never hid what he felt, at least never around Tooru.

That is why this subtle air of unease between the two of them is driving Tooru mad. If he had done anything wrong, Hajime would confront him. If Hajime felt he had done anything wrong, then he would simply apologize. But whatever it was that bothered the ace was something he wouldn't, couldn't, just talk about to Tooru. And to be honest, it’s starting to sting a bit.

With a sigh, Tooru knocks at apartment 5C of the oldest building in the block. The door swings open just a minute later.

“Tooru-kun, good morning.” Nobuo greets, and shushes him in. “Breakfast is already prepared and Hajime is trying to wake the girls.”

_“_ Oh?” Tooru drops his bag next to his chair. He looks at the empty dining table. “Am I late today? Or was Iwa-chan early?” Tooru gestures at the cupboard in a silent question towards Nobuo.

The man smiles gratefully and nods. Tooru shoots back a smile of his own and starts setting the table. “Hajime was early. I woke up to breakfast almost done and the lunch boxes fully prepared. It doesn't seem like he got enough sleep though. Do you have any exams or games coming up soon?”

“No,” Tooru tells him, “the term just barely started and there's still time before interhigh. We do have a practice match up with Karasuno soon but it's not anything to worry up. I just want to size up our shitty kouhai.”

“You sure hold grudges, Tooru-kun” Nobuo chuckles. “I doubt the return of your kouhai is bothering Hajime. Hmmm, is there anyone he likes right now?”

Tooru feels like he’s been punched in the gut. “I, I don't know,” Tooru sits down and considers the idea. If he ignores the strange sinking feeling, then the thought makes sense. It would explain why he had been so strange. “I've been a little distant lately, looking into what the other school’s team might look like. I usually end up walking home with Nawami too...so Iwa-chan might be seeing someone he likes. Maybe that's why he sees them before practice too. That's why he's been late to practice… ”

“Yeah, that's not very likely seeing that he’s late cuz he has been walking me to the store for the past week.” Kaori sits opposite of him. “Good morning. You're as bitter as ever, Tooru-nii.”

“Kaori-chan, you wound me.”

“Good morning, Kaori.” Nobuo smiles at his daughter. “You didn't mention that Hajime was walking you to work before.”

“Didn't come up.” She shrugged. “I asked him to. Kou got into a fight with this yankee at school and got suspended. It's lonely to walk alone.”

“You gotta make more friends, Kao.” Hajime takes the seat next to him. Tooru nudges him with his elbow in greeting. He grunts in acknowledgement and nudges back. “I don't think Kousuke is very good company anyway.”

“Nobody’s funny like Kou.” Kaori says, shrugging again. “And you can't complain about my friends when you're friends with a salt mine, kermit the frog and a shoujo-hater.”

“I would defend me and my friends but you're right, Kaori-chan. So instead, I’ll just say your brother is a heathen who pours milk before cereal.” Kaori grins.

“What's wrong with that?” Nobou asks.

Tooru and Kaori groan in unison.

“Good morning, everyone!” Megu greets, “What did I miss?”

* * *

 

“Do you like someone?” Tooru asks Hajime during lunch.

Hajime sputters, “N-none of your damn bussiness, Shittykawa!”

“So you do!”

“I didn't say that!”

Hanamaki laughs, “But you didn't deny it! In Iwaizumi-speak that's basically admitting you're absolutely smitten with someone.”

“Where the heck are you even getting that from? I do _not_ like anyone!”

“Just like you didn't like Tsubaki-chan until she confessed and you two dated for eight months~” Tooru sings, like he doesn't feel dread churn in his gut just from the memory.

“Tsubaki? Is that the girl Iwaizumi was sulking over for half of first year?” Matsukawa artfully steals a dumpling from Hanamaki’s lunchbox.

“Yoshida was different, okay?”

“You didn't like her yet you accepted when she confessed? Iwa-chan, that wasn't fair.”

“Hey! You didn't know half your girlfriends' names before you went out.”

“Not true at all. I always go home and properly asked my fans to look them up for me, I consider all the info and then accept a confession.”

“Like, that's any better.” Mattsukawa holds up his chopsticks in accusation.

“It so is. Girls can find out anything!”

“So can anyone with a social media account,” Hajime jabs him in the stomach, “You're just sleezy.”

Tooru whines, “I am so not! I treat my girlfriends very well.”

Hajime agrees easily. “That you do.”

“I bet you treated yours well too, Iwaizumi.” Matsukawa tries to steal another dumpling, but this time Hanamaki swats his hand away. “So what happened? Why'd you break up?”

“Err,” Hajime hesitates.

Hanamaki leans closer, “C’mon, you can tell us.”

“Well,” Hajime gives in, “She cheated on me.”

Everyone quiets.

“Shit, man.” Makki gasps, “That's terrible. I had no idea.”

Hajime only shrugs, “I have terrible choice in girls.”

“You didn't even tell me.” Tooru murmurs.

This makes Hajime laugh, “Of course I didn't, dumbass. You would have ruined her life, one way or another. Don't even pretend you wouldn't. I didn't hate her that much. I don’t hate anyone enough to set _you_ on them.”

Tooru thinks back to the beginning of High school when his best friend left his house on a Saturday morning for a date and came back not 2 hours later.

_“Back already, Iwa-chan?”_

_“We broke up.”_

He remembers how silent Hajime was for the rest of the day.  He remembers re-watching Godzilla only to have Hajime fall asleep with his head in Tooru’s lap halfway through. He remembers how his mom had known to make Agedashi Tofu without any prompting. Hajime still struggled to finish. He barely got through dinner before he went back to sleep. He took Tooru’s futon instead laying out his own like he always insisted on doing. Tooru thinks back and remembers the strange mixture of relief, guilt and pain he that kept him up that night.

“Well, she deserves it! She cheated on you!” Tooru reaches for his phone. He knows a few people from Endori Girls’. “I could still-”

Hajime grabs his wrist “Relax, Oikawa. It’s been ages. I’m over it already.” He says, bringing Tooru’s hand back to his side and patting it once.

“Forget Oikawa, I want to go punch this Yoshida. She cheated on _you!”_

“Hanamaki, it's not a big deal anymore.”

“Seriously. Iwaizumi, you're like this gift to humanity. She’s the worst and dumbest person in Miyagi.” Matsukawa says. “I’d probably set both Oikawa and Makki on any of my exes, if they were willing to go after them.”

Hanamaki catches Matsukawa in a headlock, “This is why I’m not willing to, eyebrows. You're a giant asshole!”

“Shut up, pinky boy,” Matsukawa makes no attempt to break away, “Calling me an asshole in front of Oikawa is insulting him. ”

“True,” Hanamaki presses his elbow into Matsukawa’s neck. “But I like insulting our widdle 'Kawa.”

“We already established that I treat my girlfriends wonderfully, fuck you very much. I’m only an asshole to our enemies!”

“Is that why you get dumped so often?” Hanamaki asks, nonchalant.

“Enemies, he says. Don't go making enemies in your head, dumbass.” Hajime scowls.

“This is why I’m not friends with you.” Matsukawa chips, looking far too comfortable for someone trapped in Hanamaki’s infamous headlock.

Tooru gasps, offended, “Guys!”

 

* * *

 

As soon as lunch is over and Tooru heads to his own class, he knows something is amiss. What? He doesn’t know. But he knows he won’t be able to shake it off. Shake what off? The fact he didn't know Hajime got cheated on? It bothers him, it does. But that's not all. What else? He can't put his finger on it. Thoughts, memories, dreams go round and and round in his head and in only a few moments he can't even make sense of it anymore. The only thing he's sure of is that his head is filled with Hajime.

He can't focus on class. He doesn't bother ditching, cause someone will probably go ask Hajime where he might be and that heathen will accurately predict him and he will be dragged back to class. He can't go see the nurse cause then the shorter will definitely appear there and Tooru can’t face him right now. He can't avoid Hajime forever. He can't even avoid Hajime for three more hours if he's to go to practice and he has to. He can't skip now, not with the match with Karasuno this close. So Tooru has to get his head back in the game.

He stares at the teacher, unseeing and unhearing. His thoughts make no sense, they're a mess of memories and emotion all involving his best friend. There's a fallacy here, one Tooru can't process. He knows himself. He’s perspective. He knows the answer. He _knows_ he knows it. But he his thoughts won’t go there. It’s just itch in the back of his mind. Tooru keeps picking at it and he probably will until the metaphorical skin is an angry red.

Before he knows it, class is over. The thoughts flowing in and out of his head don’t stop. Tooru knows how he gets sometimes. Trapped in his head, unable to process or rationalize anything with a single-minded drive. _He’s the best in volleyball so why can't he beat Ushiwaka?_ Tooru’s not putting enough effort into it. He needs to work harder. _He works harder than anyone else then why was he replaced by Kageyama?_ It's Kageyama’s fault. Stop him at all cost.

When he falls into these stoops Hajime is the one who pulls him out. Sometimes it's _“Idiot! There are six players in the court!”_ and sometimes it’s grabbing his arm in the right moment or quietly steering him away. Sometimes Hajime isn't there, sometimes Hajime is ignored. Those are the times Tooru realizes that he grew to depend on Hajime. When the shorter isn't there to fall back on, Tooru hits rock bottom. The supporter around his knee is reminder of that.

Tooru barely pulls enough of himself out enough to look normal. Hajime looks at Tooru a bit weird but otherwise says nothing. He knocks their shoulders together and silently takes the lead. He’s busy shouting orders at the second years and leading the standard stretching exercises that he doesn't realize Tooru skipped.

The pros of being captain is that he can decide to practice serves first. The cons of being captain is also thathe can decide to practice serves first.

Tooru knows something is off when he starts his approach run. He jumps anyway. The ball hits the center of his palm with a nice thud. Tooru instantly knows that one will score. But the satisfaction is barely felt. Because a sharp pain shoots through Tooru’s left leg the moment he lands. He falls to the floor wondering when the feeling of crumbling to the ground became so familiar.

Tooru cries out. The pain is all he can think about during the time it takes Hajime to get there.

“Where?” The ace asks first. His voice steady, even though his hands shake as he helps Tooru sit up. But that cool hand on Tooru’s nape is what grounds him enough to identify the source of the pain.

“Ankle. Left.” Tooru grits out.

Hajime nods at him before yelling something to someone. Tooru focuses on Hajime’s voice and everywhere they are touching in an effort to ignore the pain.

 

* * *

 

 

It's just a sprain. The doctor wraps it up and orders three days of bed-rest, a week away from volleyball and to take it easy for a while after. Hajime knocks him on the head for being distracted during practice but doesn't leave his side for a moment.

He rides back to Tooru’s with his parents and nods approvingly at the lecture Yashiru throws. He even adds fuel to the fire by mentioning details here and there. Hajime glares hard at Tooru when he whines about it being an honest mistake.

Tooru struggles a bit to get out of the car once they get home. Hajime is there to support him once he does get out and wraps an arm around his waist and clutches him a little tighter than necessary. Yashiru follows suit. Tooru wraps his arms around their shoulders and all but hopps inside. Riko is on the phone with Mitsuru as she turns on the lights. They make it to the stairs and realize the stairs are too narrow for more than one people to climb up.

“I never understood why you insisted on the second-story room, Tooru.” Riko sighs from behind them, “Even when you hurt your knee….” She trails off.

“Mom and I will get the crutches.” Yashiru pulls away from him, “I hoped we wouldn't have any use for them again.”

Guilt churns in Tooru’s stomach. All this hurt his parents felt, all because he was an idiot. Because he didn't warm up right. Tried to do a demanding jump serve while distracted. He opens his mouth to apologize, only to be cut off.

“Don't worry about it, ma. I’ll carry your worthless son for now.”

Tooru looks up at Hajime in surprise, “Hajime, you don't-”

“I don't mind.” He interrupts. “The crutches are in the attic, right? It'll take awhile to get them. I can dump this idiot in his room.”

“Hacchan….”

“Yashiru-san, could you help me get this idiot up? You just need to stick close. I'm confident I am strong enough but Toru is heavier than me. So just in case.”

Before he knows it, Tooru is hoisted up to his best friend’s back. He wraps his arms around Hajime as loosely as he can but Hajime's grip on his thighs is nearly bruising. He takes the stairs one at a time while maintaining balance. Yashiru hovers behind them. He keeps a hand on Tooru’s back as if it’ll make any difference on the weight Hajime carries.

Hajime, Hajime, Hajime.

Hajime, the one Tooru called mean names on the first day of pre-school, teaming up with him to make a lego castle big enough to get their Teacher’s attention. Hajime, taking responsibility and apologizing when Tooru was the one who broke the pot with his volleyball. Hajime, looking at girl like she hung the moon and how bad that hurt. The same Hajime, heartbroken after a breakup and the relief in Tooru’s gut. Hajime, sitting on the edge of his hospital bed, just after the doctor says he will need surgery but he won’t have a problem with volleyball, seething and terrified. The same Hajime, carrying him now, like he has always done

Hajime, where all Tooru’s problems begin and end.

Hajime, stupid, blunt, dense, beautiful, celestial Hajime.

What the heck? Was this haunting Tooru today?

Tooru knows better than anyone how strong Hajime is. He’s stronger than anybody Tooru ever met. He holds his family together. Seijou volleyball club needs Hajime no less than it needs Tooru, if not more. Hajime is Tooru’s partner. He’s been taking Tooru’s burdens on to his shoulders even with his own tragedies trying to weigh him down. But despite all that weight, Hajime holds him together.

When Tooru thinks of Hajime, Tooru thinks of a lot of things. Halos, volleyballs, shoulders and bruised knees, home-made juice, action movies, a cicada names wings, torn shirts, oxygen, the color green, earphones, aliens, bookshelves, lunchboxes, mythology, Tooru can go on and on and on. But he doesn’t need to, because—

He tightens his arms around Hajime's neck and the boy squeezes his thigh in answer to question he didn't even hear. Tooru is gently lowered back to the ground with the help of his dad.

“I'll leave you boys here. Gotta help mom get the crutches out.” Yashiru tells them. Tooru nods but the gears in his brains are working on something else.

Was _this_ what was driving Tooru mad? He’s known this for years. He’s _had_ this for years. He’s been trying to replace this for so long and he’s getting there, isn't he? Stupid Tooru. Stupid, stupid, _stupid_ Tooru.

“Bang.” Hajime points two fingers at Tooru’s forehead and pretends to shoot. “You're dead to me, stupid Oikawa.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You're a dumb piece of shit.”

“I am,” Tooru agrees easily.

“Don’t agree with me, asshole! Why the hell did you skip warmup? And did you have to start with that serve? You knew that was stupid! You knew! You yelled at Yahaba for this just a few days ago!! Why don't you care about yourself? Why the fuck are you such an idiot?”

“You're an idiot too, Iwa-chan, for worrying so much.”

“Then stop being an idiot and stop making me worry, dumbass. I can't stop worrying if you don't stop being an idiot and keep getting injured all the damn time!” Hajime huffs, crossing his arms over his chest. “This is all so dumb.”

Tooru can't help but laugh, “It is.”

“Don’t agree with me and promise you won’t pull shit like this anymore!”

Tooru doesn’t need all those words and feelings and memories to represent what Hajime means to him. They can never be enough. Hajime is everything to him. He is everything Tooru loves, everything Tooru lives for and Tooru is in love with everything Hajime is.

“Okay,” Tooru says, accepts it, means it.  “okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> failed step 1.


	3. Step 2: Don't dwell on

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excepting your feelings means nothing if you don't think about it. We urge you to think about everything but your object of affection. As difficult as it might prove, this step is absolutely essential.

Not thinking about Hajime’s feelings for Tooru is surprisingly not all that hard. Although he realizes he’s been acting strange for the past couple of…..months. But for the most part, he’s been able to not dwell on it.

Hajime has a lot to think about. The volleyball club, for one, needs constant attention. Losing the practice match to karasuno wasn’t exactly good for the first years’ confidence. Kindaichi, especially, seemed to have taken the defeat much harder than necessary. Being as observant as Tooru is, he pays more attention to the first years. He dedicates a lot of time on the bench-warmers, Yahaba and Kusanagi, particularly. Arranging practice matches take up a lot of his time too. So as vice captain, Hajime takes care of the other stuff. He keeps the rest of the club in check when their captain is gone too. There’s a lot to work on, especially with Interhigh just around the corner.

There’s other things to consider too, now that he is a third year. Continued counseling sessions with his homeroom teacher and stuff he reads online makes him anxious about university. Almost everyone seems to have some kind of goal. Hanamaki wants to go to art school, while Matsukawa wants to go to Seikei for economics. Going pro has always been Tooru’s plan, but he already decided on anthropology as a backup plan. Hajime…. Well, Hajime knows what he wants out of life. But he is at a loss about what to do in the near future.

Ever since the ankle incident, Hajime started slipping more and more. He worries about Tooru. He always has. It’s something that’s integrated into him. The sun rises in the East, volleyball is the best sport, and Hajime worries for Tooru because he cares about him. That’s how it’s always been.

Hajime’s bad at showing it most of the time. He wishes he wasn’t. He wishes he could just tell Tooru he cares like everyone else. But he can’t bring himself to put into words. Tooru gets it, though. Hajime knows he does. Tooru’s always been good at reading between the lines. But Hajime also knows Tooru gets lost in his own head sometimes. Hajime hopes Tooru remembers that he is loved, cared for, in those times more than ever.

But either way, this constant worry compels him to check up on his petulant best friend more often than strictly necessary. That also prompts Hajime’s irrational and overwhelming feelings to arise. Like just last week he went to check on Tooru and found him sitting in the sun, pretending to read a book but in actuality enjoying the attention from a small group of girls. And, this ( _this,_ of all things) made affection bubble up in his chest like that one baking soda volcano Tooru’s brother made for a science project.

Really, what an idiot he is.

Hajime is at a loss. Sometimes, his stupid brain will bring up his feelings for Tooru comepletely unprompted. Between two productive and wanted thoughts, his brain remind him he’s in love with Oikawa Tooru. It’s super annoying. But he’s gradually learning to ignore it. Yet, his thoughts, much like his source of distress, is rather resourceful.

Especially, in moments like this, when Hajime’s guard is down having just woken up, still half-unconscious, and Tooru’s sleeping face is a just a couple of inches from his.

The first few seconds nothing unusual registers. He blinks a couple of times to get his eyes to focus. Hajime finds Tooru sleeping less than a feet away from them. His first coherent thought of the day is, Tooru is beautiful. He’s always known this. But for some reason it hits harder than usual. The thought makes heart race. His breath catches in his throat. He has a devastating desire to touch. He wants to press his fingers over that one blemish chicken pox left and feel cool skin.

Tooru’s always been a light sleeper. Hajime knows his touch will draw him back from dreamland. Maybe he’ll smile, sleep-slow and blithe-colored. Maybe he’ll hum with eyes still closed and say something about being too beautiful to resist. Hajime thinks he might agree for once. That will probably take the vein idiot by surprise. He’ll shoot up, brown hair a tousled mess and shirt crumpled. Hajime wonders what he’ll say then. What kind of expression will he wear? Will he be happy? Will he blush? Will he stammer? Or will he take the compliment with a pleased smile? Will he add a smug comment? Or will he not believe it all? How many times will he need to hear it before he’ll believe it? Hajime _needs_ to find out. He reaches for Tooru without thought.

His arm crossed half the distance, when the first alarm rings.

It starts with the generic beep of the Iphone alarm but is soon joined by varies sounds of honking cars, way too loud screeches, the morning radio and heavy metal songs. Hajime’s hand is still frozen in the air as Tooru shoots up and looks around frantically, panicked. He groans a moment later, once he’s gathered his bearings. Hajime retrieves his arm and sits up too. The other third years in the room follow suit. They all collectively reach out towards their own phones and one by one turns off the alarms.

“Told you syncing everyone’s alarm was a horrible idea.” Yuda crosses his arms over his chest.

“Ughhh,” Hanamaki groans.

“At least we’re all awake,” Tooru gets on his feet and stretches, “Good morning, everyone.”

Everybody mumble greetings back and forth then start getting up. The second years might laze around a bit more but there’ll be a line for the bathroom once they wake up too. Nobody even wants to think about the first years. So it’s better to hurry. But Hajime lies back anyway. He needs a moment.

He takes a gulp of oxygen and keeps it in his lungs for as long as he can, then slowly exhales. He repeats the process a couple of time. Once his head’s cleared up, he lets himself process what was about to happen. He, in his half-awake state, reached for Tooru. For him, that was the most important thing in the world right then. He _needed_ to do it. It felt like the most natural thing. Something he’s been doing for years.

Hajime throws an arm over his eyes and groans. This whole thing is getting out of hand very fast.

“I’ll take that as a sign that you didn’t sleep very well,” Tooru. Of course it’s Tooru. Hajime groans again, But the taller only laughs “C’mon, Iwa-chan, get up already!”

“Go away, Oikawa..” Hajime turns over to bury his face in the pillow.

“Aw, don’t be like that. What will the kids think if their mommy is being so grumpy?” Tooru knudges Hajime’s back with his toe. He sounds so fond that it hurts

“Fuck off, I’m nobody’s mother.”

Tooru only chuckles, “Whoops, there’s the potty mouth I know and love! C’mon Iwa-chan! Get up already! Don’t make get the bucket!”

This makes Hajime stir. He turns to look up at the setter. Still standing near the foot of his futon. “You wouldn’t.”

“OH HE WOULD!” Daisuke yells from somewhere.

“Whyyyyyy?” Hajime drawls, but moves to get up.

“Here,” Tooru offers his hand, Hajime stares at it for a second, then takes it.

If the touch send lightning through Hajime’s nerves, nobody needs to know.

 

* * *

 

Seijou sports clubs hold training camps all together. Which is a very bad idea in Hajime’s opinion, because half the school is in sports clubs and that means half the school is staying over in the dorms during this one week.

A little under a thousand male and female athletes, all of them teens, almost always results in a few _troublesome_ situations. Captains and vice-captains are expected to keep their club members in check. But there are plenty of fights among students about someone hitting on someone else’s partner, some breakups, some hookups, and a few are caught ‘in the act’. This one weekend fuels gossip for the rest of the term. So as expected, Tooru is the reason for atleast one-third of these situations. As Tooru’s known keeper and the vice-captain of the volleyball club, Hajime’s workload is almost doubled.

Not only that, there are also the more ‘civilized’ fights among clubs. The ones that are fought in meetings, in front of the sports supervisor by coaches and captains. The ones about getting the best time slots, getting better dorms and even about lunch and dinner menus. All in all, it’s a huge mess.

Hajime closes his eyes and leans back on his chair, bored. He hates these scedule meetings with a passion. He’s never been good at reasoning with the authorities. He only attends these meetings because Tooru asked him to. And speaking of, where is the idiot? Tooru needs get his sorry ass over here already. He kind of hates the fact he wants to see Tooru so much. But he allows it. Stupid feelings or not, Tooru is still his childhood best friend. It’s only natural he’ll wish for the setter when he’s bored and alone.

“Well, well, well,” A voice sneers, Hajime barely stops himself from groaning out loud. Of course, the one person Hajime _really_ doesn’t want to see would appear. He opens his eyes to look at the captain of the baseball club glowering over him. “Guess who finally showed his face around here.”

“Nice to see you again, Takeshi.” Hajime sighs, and rises from his chair.

“Tell me how nice it is once I bash in your fucking face.” The taller threatens. Hajime almost wants to laugh at the way he pulls up his sleeves to expose his biceps. “You got a lot of nerve-”

“Oh _no,_ Gian is back at it again,” Tooru all but sings from somewhere behind Hajime. The ace only now notices that the rest of the classroom has fallen silent. It’s quiet enough that the chirr of Tooru’s shoes are resounding. Something about this whole situation reminds Hajime of the times Tooru served a ball directly on someone’s face. This is definitely going to get them in trouble, isn’t it? Hajime sighs again. “I guess little old me have to stop him.”

“What did you call me you little-”

“Oh, I’m sorry. Did you know not hear me?” Tooru steps between Takeshi and Hajime. “I called you Gian. The big guy from Doraemon? Did you not watch it as a kid? What a sad childhood that must have been.”

“Are picking a fight, you little punk?”

Tooru gasps exaggeratedly, “Me? Picking a fight?” He brings both his hands to his cheeks, “ _Never.”_

“You little-”

“What’s going on in there?!” Takeshi is interrupted again, but this time by the student council president. “What is this?” Saito stands at the teacher’s podium looking tense. “Oikawa-san, Takeshi-san, what are you all doing? You all better have a good explanation or I’m reporting you.” She puts both her hands on her hips, doing her best to look intimidating two the nearly six feet boys.

“These punks are trying to pick a fight-”

“Pick a fight?” Hajime opens his mouth, “You’re the one who came up to me and started shit out of the blue!”

“Oh play innocent, why don’t you, Iwaizumi? This is your fault-”

“How exactly is this his fault, Takeshi?” Tooru sneers, “Is it his fault because Iwa-chan came to the team meeting? If I remember right, vice-captains have every right to be in here. Iwa-chan is one, by the way, in case you forgot. Oh right!” he snaps his fingers, as if he just remembered something. His voice soaked with sarcasm when he continues, “It’s because, last year, you and your goons were suspended after you beat him to the ground in a five against one fight, isn’t it? My Iwa-chan had managed to give two of you black eyes and what, break your nose, right Takeshi? Your right! It _so_ his fault!”

“Don’t start with me, Oikawa. You won’t live to regret it.”

“Ooh how scary!” Tooru flails, “I am feeling so threatened right now.”

Takeshi grabs Tooru collar, “Stop fucking with me, you little bastard!” The setter’s smirk stays in place. He even raises an eyebrow at the other boy. Takeshi grits teeth and lets out a low growl. He lifts his right arm as if to punch Tooru.

Big mistake.

Hajime is there in an instant. He slips past Tooru and shoves at Takeshi’s chest hard to enough to make him let go of Tooru and stumble a few steps back. He keeps shoving at the taller boy. Until Takeshi ends up stumbling a good few feet away from Tooru. Hajime doesn’t reach for the baseball player. He doesn’t step into the other's bubble. He doesn’t try to to intimidate him in anyway.

“Takeshi,” Hajime says, voice almost indifferent, “Don’t touch Tooru.”

Hajime is extremely aware of that everyone in the room is looking at him with fear. Everybody looked at him like last year, too, after the fight. The rumors had died down after a few weeks but this incident will probably make the students scared of him again. He didn’t like that, didn’t like that classrooms went silent for a second when he entered. Didn’t like how fast the first years cleared up in the halls when they saw him. Didn’t like the narrow-eyed glares from his seniors or teachers. But he’d much rather deal with the whispers then watch this piece of shit hurt Tooru.

He broke the blonde’s nose last time, he won’t hesitate to do it again. Or maybe he this year Hajime will take it a bit further. Rich boys like Takeshi could never handle the likes of him. ‘Troubled boys’ like Hajime are not very ‘smart’ like the kind that goes to Seijou. They don’t know to fear bad records or bad reputations. They know where it hurts and how much it hurts. They know how to take a hit and get back up. Takeshi’s taller than Hajime, maybe stronger. But the hours he’s put in air-conditioned gyms are no match for the hours Hajime spent in the street. Last year, when Hajime charged at Takeshi and his pals, the baseball captain learned this. That is why he knows to look afraid now.

“Iwaizumi-san,” Saito says in warning.

“It’s okay, Saito-san.” Hajime doesn’t look away from Takeshi, “There won’t be anymore trouble.”

“What’s going in here?” Irihata enters the classroom with the two sports supervisors in tow.

“Nothing, coach.” Hajime says, again. “I don’t think I’ll be attending today’s meeting. I need some air. Would that be okay?

Irihata looks at him, questioning, but nods otherwise.

Hajime breaks eye-contact with Takeshi. Looking at this disgusting bully for too long will make him nauseous. He turns away and walks to Tooru’s side, “Can you handle this?”

“Of course,” Tooru rests his hand on Hajime’s shoulder. His eyes soften, and his smile is warm and reassuring. He pushes Hajime towards the backdoor. “Go have your break, Iwa-chan.”

 

* * *

 

 

**mostly NOT gay boys pining for iwaizumi**

Mustacheman: yo baseball brat tried to pick a fite with me 2 whats going on

teamOiks: (￣Д￣）

after: this is so annoying

2bOrNot2b: did u win

Mustacheman: ofc who do u think i am

radish: I HAVE NEWS

Mustacheman: im hurt by ur lack of trust in me shigeru

2bOrNot2b: :P

notrradish: BASEBALL CAP TRIED TO PICK A FIGHT WITH IWAIZUMI SAN AN HOUR AGO

notradish: OIKAWA SAN TOLD HIM OFF BUT IWAIZUMI SAN DID THE REALLY SCARY THREATNING THING

sekushi: after: Omg? 4 reall??????

notradish: REMEMBER THE THING HE DID TO SUBARO’S GF WHEN SHE HIT HIM

notradish: THAT THING

notradish: THEN WALKED OUT

teamoiks: What was the fight abt??

K3ntaruFan: Iwaizumi san did a scary thing?? Our Iwaizumi san?

K3ntaruFan: The one who carries band aids and candy and brings enouggh cookies 4 the entire club on xtra practices??

2bOrNot2b: Haha u newbie

Mustacheman: Thats right 1st yrs don t know how scary our iwa is lol

Mustacheman: oikawa put down the rumors abt last years fight real good.

Mustacheman: idk if i should respect oikawa or fear him

nyaana: m really confused too

nyaana: I mean i can sorta see how he would be scary. He’s v buff and has that resting bitch face

K3ntaruFan: But i cant imagine him actually threatening any1

nyaana: same

Mustacheman: Ur right iwaizumi is mostly a pacifist. He doesnt pick fights

Mustacheman: But he can be really scary

notradish: he used to get in a lot of fights in middle school

teamoiks: Oh right kindaichi went to the sem middle as iwaizumi

notradish: They were mostly w yankies. He saved kunimi from this yakuza looking guy once.

2bOrNot2b: So yes Iwaizumi san can get into fights.

2bOrNot2b: he doesnt often but when he does, it’s for Real.

water: whats going on? why did baseball club suddenly declare war on us??????

2bOrNot2b: Haha scroll up watari

nyaana: It was w the baseball cap right

sekushi: WAIT isnt it the same guy who’s nose vice cap broke last yr?????

Mustacheman: Wtf is it?

Mustacheman: Some1 send a pic i dont remember

after: [[attached image]]

nyaana: Yep this is that fucker.

water:?

teamoiks: He attacked iwaizumi with 4 other guys last yr. This fucking coward

nyaana: So are we gonna just sit here??????

funky: I say lets beat up baseball club losers

water: NO DONT

water: WE WILL CUZ TROUBLE FOR IWAIZUMI SAN THEN

funky: U cant expet us to do nothing

2bOrNot2b: we dont.

2bOrNot2b: I know oikawa san he wont let this mofo get away. Not after he made the mistake of approaching iwaizumi san a second time

after: you’re right. He’s lucky oikawa-senpai didnt go after him last yr.

2bOrNot2b: He will make sure takeshi pays. and the baseball club isnt getting a single good spot this year.

2bOrNot2b: What we can do is look out for this champs.

2bOrNot2b: Maybe a minor prank or two.

Mustacheman: Makki is already on it :P

water: OHHHHH tell the girls!!!!!!!!!!

2bOrNot2b: What??

after: ?

water: TELL THE GIRLS ABT LAST YR

water: exaggerate the hell out of the story. Make it so the asshole never has a date in this school

nyaana: Oh good idea watari.

2bOrNot2b: ily babe :*

Mustacheman changed named this group: **Iwaizumi defense squad.**

Mustacheman: This means war boys

water: A no-violence war

after: But war.

2bOrNot2b: follow ma boy watari’s example and find creative ways to get back at them

K3ntaruFan: When does cap get out of practice he will def give us some good ideas. Some1 check the vball chat or the oik fans chat if ur in tht?

K3ntaruFan: Oh rght somebody txt the volleyball club group chat.

notradish: I got the genral one.

funky: Me too lol

water: I txted the 2nd yrs. 3rd yrs and 1st yrs??

K3ntaruFan: 1st yrs are already talking abt it

sekushi: so is almost all of school??

Mustacheman: 3rds yrs are all here. They’ll see when they do.

nyanna: …….

nyaana: Everyone in 3rd yr is in the iwaizumi fan chat????

Mustacheman: Have u met iwa?? Ofc they are.

 

* * *

 

 

Hajime gets his peace for about two hours.

That’s more than enough for him. He didn’t expect he’d get this long to be honest. He half-expected someone to come looking for him for one thing or another. He’s thankful for this borrowed time. He’s managed to quiet himself down and steel himself for the weeks to come, when Tooru finally appears.

“Today’s meeting was so long and boring,” He sits down next to Hajime, “Battery critically low,” he says, in a robotic voice, and leans against Hajime. “Please charge immediately.”

“Sorry for bailing,” Hajime ruffles Tooru’s hair and feels the boy relax at his side, “I didn't want to deal with anymore of Gian’s bull.”

Tooru hums, “S’okay, I didn’t mind. I enjoy obliterating dicks like him.”

“You don’t even know if he’s a dick or not.”

“I know he hurt you.”

Hajime feels his breath catch. Really, how is he supposed to get over him if Tooru says things like _that,_ with _that_ voice. He exhales slowly, careful not move his shoulder so Tooru can’t feel the action. He hesitates a bit, but makes himself say the words, “I threw the first punch, you know...”

“Why?” Tooru asks, without missing a beat. He lifts his head to meet the ace’s eye.

This takes Hajime by surprise again. This is not the first time Hajime got in a fight. He’s always been the headstrong type that lost his temper way too quickly. While he usually doesn’t go looking for trouble, if he finds some, he sure as hell will do something about it. When situations like this come up Tooru always has his back. He almost never asks Hajime for reason.

“Why….you ask...”

“Yes, tell me why you punched him.”

“Well, he... he was talking shit.”

“About?”

“...”

“Iwa-chan, tell me?” Tooru sighs, “please?

“Well, err, he was making fun of Kobayashi-san. Calling her awful stuff and talking about leaving shit in her shoebox...Because, because…”

“Because she’s gay.”

“Yeah…”

“See, I was right. He deserved that punch.” Tooru nudges Hajime’s shoulder with his. “It was a little stupid of you to just punch him when he had his friends with him. You should have waited until later. You just went and got beat up.”

Hajime lets all the tension fade away and flops down to rest his head on Tooru’s lap. “Yeah, but I had to do something right then. Otherwise they wouldn’t realize why they were getting hit. I wanted get the message across. No one bothers Kobayashi-san. Besides, I gave as good as I got. Wait, no I gave better.”

“Iwa-chan, you ended up in the hospital with a concussion.”

“Yeah, but there was five of them. And between the broken nose, black eyes and general beating, they took more damage. Plus, they left Kobayashi-san alone, and nobody else dared trouble her since. So it’s my win.”

“Oh my god, Iwa-chan.” Tooru laughs, “Why do you insist on solving everything with your fist?”

Hajime only hums, barely able to stop his sigh of contentment when Tooru strokes his hair.

“I don’t know? Why are always so sneaky about confrontations?”

“I am not! I confront people all the time, I’ll have you know! I’m just not as dramatic about them as you are!”

“You,” Hajime laughs, “not being dramatic? What world are we in?”

Tooru pouts, “Iwa-chan! Why are you so rude to me? After all the trouble, I went through to make sure that the baseball club is on bathroom duty from tomorrow on.”

“You did not!”

Tooru smirks, “I confronted Gian-kun. He’s kindly agreed to apologize and take up bathroom duty with his class.”

“You’re too much sometimes. Now I feel bad for the baseball club members. They didn’t actually do anything wrong y’know.”

“About four tried to pick a fight with our boys. There was about two prank attempts, both caught by Watari, Hanamaki’s very proud. Our boys won one of the initiated fights and wisely fled the others. Yahaba convinced the club to not do anything that will cause trouble with the coaches and teachers. The basketball club is helping us prank baseball back and soccer is also on our side. They have all the other boys’ clubs’ support. We havemost the girls though. Track, swim, basketball and volleyball, obviously, on our side while the rest are supporting Them. I think rugby is neutral. The volleyball girls wants to propose a rap battle with the baseball girls to settle this whole thing once and for all. I think the people who aren’t in sports clubs started a twitter war. Most people are on your side.”

“....What the actual fuck?” Hajime lifts himself up, leaning on his elbows.

“You’re very loved Hajime.” Tooru smiles, “Didn’t you know?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> failed step 2.


	4. Step 3: Reconsider

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Take a step back and think it through. Is a relationship truly what you want? Or is friendship/companionship is what you're looking for. The two can be often confusing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so there's some gay bitterness in this chapter. i should probably warn that this will be a recurring theme in this fic, also a lot of **homophobia**. if that bothers you, it's better if you drop this fic pal. i haven't really mentioned this but this fic is based on my experience having a big ol gay crush on my best friend of over 10 years. we didnt work out lmao but i thought i'd capitalize on that experience and write something.

Nishiki sighs, “And you’re telling  _ me  _ this because…”

“Well, I can’t tell him now, can I?” Tooru almost snarls back.

“Woah there,” The pixels on the screen freeze for a second, Before loading up again. Nishiki’s voice comes through before his mocking smile, “There, there. Imagine me patting you in the back very patronizingly. Calm down, Oikawa-san.”

“Sorry,” Tooru rolls onto his back and immediately regrets it cause now he has to tilt his head to look at the computer, “I’m kinda tired. Practice was brutal today.”

“”S cool, dude, I get it. Him, being in practice with you, must help though.” He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively.

“Ughhhhh,” Tooru rolls over again, to burry his head in the pillow.  “He’s so perfect goddammit, I can’t. Nish, I am so gone.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

“It is! I can’t have feelings for him.”

“Why is that? Your best friend being your gay awakening is like, almost a cliche.”

“He’s not my gay awakening!”

“Dude.” The older boy deadpans.

“Okay, fine he was but like, low-key. I didn’t even full on realize until the other day.  Just always thought he was kinda hot and kinda………...perfect. Fuck! He was high-key my gay awakening, wasn’t, he? Shit, I didn’t even realize until now.”

“Just tell him already!”

“I can’t!”

“Is he homophobic? Is that what you’re scared of?”

“No!! Iwa-chan isn’t like that. He’s genuinely one of the few accepting people I know. He tried to fight five guys to stop the only publicly out girl from getting bullied. And you know those allies who are like  _ Oh I am such a great person for accepting you,  _ or like supports equal rights because they want porn? He’s not like that either. He honestly just a good guy.”

Nishiki whistles,  “Okay, sounds kinda fake but you’re the bitter and more nit-picky one among us. I’ll believe you. But then he’s like, super rare. So, what’s the problem?”

“Nishiki, the problem is he doesn’t feel the same way.” Tooru runs a hand through his hair, “Right now, a tiny part of me wants to believe maybe he does. Like, he doesn’t even like boys but…”

“Oh wow. That is such an original dilemma,” Nishiki says, deadpan. “Look, I’m not going to lie, the chances of him being gay too is fairly little. But hey! We gays attract other gays, science said so. Just look at me, all my friends turned out to be lgbt. And straight men are very rarely willing to get beat up for people like us. Who knows maybe he  _ is _ into dudes or curious. You should just tell him. Rip off the band-aid.”

Tooru laughs, “Leave me alone, Nishiki. I’m trying to protect myself from heartbreak here.”

“Don’t preach to me about heartbreak, you jerk, you broke mine for fuck’s sake.”

“Psst, you act like you weren’t just using me to get over that blue-eyed foreigner.”

“You still dumped me, asshole. You know what? This whole conversation is a jab at me. We’re exes. You can’t talk to me about your love life anymore.” He pouts. Tooru laughs again.

Nishiki is a comfort Tooru misses dearly. But he’s still glad that Nishiki seems so much better off where he is. The older recently left the country to go to university in the states. And he definitely seems happier there, like a weight has disappeared from his shoulders. But as happy for him as Tooru is, sometimes just a video chat doesn’t feel enough. He misses Nishiki like a lost limb sometimes.

Nishiki was Tooru’s first boyfriend. They met two years ago. The older boy had been the manager of the Tokonami team then. They had somehow clicked during their practice matches and Nishiki asked Tooru if he wanted hang out after practice. Hajime had been busy that day. He had to take the twins to the dentist, so Tooru accepted. One thing lead to another and somehow Tooru found himself lip-locked with the almost stranger. 

Nishiki helped Tooru come to terms with his attraction to men quite a lot. But you don’t unlearn years of fear, years of hate, in weeks. Tooru wasn’t ready for a physical thing and wasn’t exactly available for a proper emotional connection. Nishiki himself was infatuated with a transfer student who looked eerily like Tooru. They kept breaking up and getting back together. Tooru almost forced himself to date a few girls in between. But through their absolute mess of a relationship, they learned to accept.

Afterwards, Tooru tried to date a few more boys too but none of them worked out. After every break up, he found himself hoping that  _ this _ was merely a phase. Hajime has always been Tooru’s anchor but this is something he couldn’t ever bring up to Hajime. Neither, Matsukawa or Hanamaki or any one of his friends from school felt right for that matter. Tooru is really close to his family but it was clear what his father thought of people who like him. His brother and mother probably doesn’t share that opinion but they never opposed his father strongly. 

This was something Tooru couldn’t share with anyone else…..except Nishiki. The two didn’t talk for months after their rather messy final breakup. But there was a reason why they clung to each other as long as they did, especially when Tooru has a tendency to give up on relationships in weeks and Nishiki is just as fickle. But after the thousands of miles came between them, they finally started building something better than their failed romance. 

“Oikawa,” Nishiki called out.

“What?” 

“Go to sleep. You’re tired.”

“Don’t want to.” Tooru sticks out his tongue.

“You little brat, I can’t believe I actually miss you.” Nishiki’s affection drips through the shitty quality of the audio.

Tooru stares at his friend’s blurry face. The internet connection is terrible and their call might drop any second. There’s a slight lag and it’s irritating. But he is so thankful he can talk to Nishiki like this. They can be so close while being so far apart. 

“I miss you too.” Tooru finally says, his voice cracking from the truth of the words.

“Even though all we did is fight while we were together?” Nishiki teases.

“Hey, we made out plenty!”

“True, true.”

Tooru grins,  “Who knew we just needed to stop making out to actually like each other, huh?

“And here I thought that the fighting was why didn’t like each other.” He snickers, “Luke thinks our relationship didn’t have a good fight to make out ratio. What even is that. I think he might be stupider than you.”

“Oho!” Tooru perks up,  “Luke’s still around, eh?”

Nishiki flushes, “Of course, he is. We’re roommates.”

“You already moved in together! I didn’t hear about this!”

“That’s cause you’ve been busy whining about your Iwa-chan. Besides, Luke and I…..we haven’t...aren’t actually labeling it anything just yet.”

“C’mon, that’s just bullshit. You guys have been sleeping together for months!”

“It’s actually going to be a year next month.”

“Nishiki, I think you two ought to have a talk.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Nishiki waves it off, “You’re going to give me some shit about commitment now.”

“And…?”

“I think I actually like this not labeling thing. I mean….A commitment is kinda a big deal for me. And….we did talk about this, Luke and me.”

Tooru is taken by surprise, “You did? That’s a first.”

“It’s different with him. He said doesn’t care what we’re calling this or if I’m exclusively seeing him or not. He said he’s only seeing me and is ready to commit anytime. But he’s just not sure if he wants to be out yet. His parents are like yours.”

“Okay…..I guess that’s fair.”

“You jump the gun way too fast sometimes, y’know?”

“Yeah, but I’m usually right.”

“No, you just have forty different walls up.”

“Can you blame me? People are awful.”

“Not everyone though. There are people like Luke too. There’s Kevin, Noah, Takashi, Da-Xia, Emma, Nat-”

“Yeah, yeah, you have amazing friends. I know that already.”

“So do you, ‘kawa. You said it yourself Iwaizumi is one of the best people ever. There’s Hanamaki, Matsukawa, Sakura, Aiko and so many other people. You have so many friends, so many good people around you. Trust them. Take a chance with them.”

“You know it’s not that simple, Nish,” Tooru whispers, “Good people are capable of terrible things. And what if I...What if-”

“There’s always going to be what ifs, won’t there? But you have to take risks. Start with Iwaizumi. You know him. You two have been together for so long now. They say you share a mind. You said it yourself, he wouldn’t hate you for being who you are. Right now, you’re keeping a big part of yourself from him. You trust him, don’t you?”

“I do, with my life.” Tooru admits, “But…..I’m just not ready yet.”

“Okay, take your time.”

Tooru exhales, suddenly more drained than before, “SInce when do you give such great advice?”

“Forever, actually. It’s just hard giving advice when you’re making out.”

“Or fighting,” Tooru adds.

“Or fighting.” Nishiki admits. “Looks like we’re finally friends.”

“Nah, we were friends when we were together.”

“Were we?”

“We were,” Tooru says, firm, “Just the kind of friends who were too afraid to be honest to themselves. The kind that didn’t really know or like each other. We just used each other to take out our frustrations. Now, we’re the type of friends who are just friends…really gay friends.”

Nishiki laughs, “Go to bed. It’s really late.”

“Nah, it’s only….holy shit is it already 1?”

“You always loose track of time when you’re nervous. InterHigh starts tomorrow, right? Kami texted me.”

“Yeah, but we don’t have to play tomorrow. Our first match is the day after.”

“Still, get some sleep.” He makes a show of stretching, “Your Iwa-chan won’t be happy if he finds out you’re still up.” 

Tooru smiles, “He’d probably call me a dumbass.”

“He’s right. I wish I believed him when he first told me, would have saved me the heartbreak.”

“Ha. ha.”

“Good night.”

“Night. Or day. It’s only morning where you are, isn’t it?” Tooru mumbles and sits up properly. He tries to do the math. How many hours apart where they actually. If it’s one here then it should be..

“I’m glad we’re friends.” Nishiki disconnects the call before Tooru can say anything.

He sits in silence for a second, grinning like a fool. The smile on his face feels too big, too bright. This is one of Tooru’s favorite feelings. He feels like this — happy and content and cared for — when he’s with his friends. Sometimes he wonders if he ever wants anything more than this. Tooru’s greed, his desire for more than what he deserves is what’s complicating all of this. Maybe what he is enough. Maybe he doesn’t —

His phones buzzes, snapping him out of his thoughts. “Go sleep. I can hear you think from all the way from here.” the text reads.

“Alright, geez, you get some rest too. <3” He replies, smiling.

“zzz” is Hajime’s answer.

The wave of affection is all consuming. Tooru grins and grins and smiles. He types “I love you” into the tiny box. Looks at the words, considers what if. He sighs and decides against it. He leaves the message on read and looks for the clip he had of Omosaki’s last match. A little more preparation, just for his peace of mind. An hour or two of sleep doesn’t make much difference to him anyway.

 

* * *

 

Seijou loses to Shiratorizawa. 2:0. 

The loss stings, burns, leaves bruises on his pride and plants doubt in his heart. What’s worse is how used to it he is. How it got easier to uproot the doubt and brush off the shame. He hates this routine. He hates it. Next time, he always told himself. Next time, he tells himself again, this time for sure.

The next morning when Tooru wakes, he wishes he didn’t. His body aches, reminding him of the strain he put on it the day before, and how it was all for not. Usually, he likes being roused by the sun. Today, it only irritates him. He turns over, facing away from the window and hopes to get some more sleep.

Tooru already knows it’s no use. He’s never been one for sleeping in. He sleeps a lot less than the average person. He usually thinks this quality of his as a gift. But at times like this, when he doesn’t want to be awake, isn’t ready to face reality yet, and is praying for unconsciousness, it betrays him. All his blessing seems to be like double sided swords. He stops himself from following that trail of thought. No, he should focus on other things. What can do he different next time? What needs to change? Where are their weaker links?

The door slides open and Tooru looks up despite himself. It’s Hajime, dressed in a ratty old tee-shirt which probably belonged to Nobuo once, and shorts. His running clothes. Hajime kicks at the jersey Tooru left on the floor last night and says, “Get up, get dressed and get breakfast. Then you and I are going on a run. I’ll buy you milk bread or something afterwards.”

“Iwa-chan,” Tooru rises to his elbow.  _ Not today. _

Hajime hesitates, he takes a long hard look around the room, takes in it’s messier than usual state, does some mental math and firms his resolve, “I know. That’s why we have to.”  _ If you stay here, it’ll only get worse. _

“ _I_ _  can’t.”  _ He doesn’t say, doesn’t have to.

“ _ We  _ can and we are doing this, Oikawa.”  _ I’m here for you. _

He groans, _"_ Fine, only because you are insisting.”  _ Only for you. Thank god for you. _

Hajime chats with Riko, while Tooru takes a shower and forces some milk down his throat. His mother smiles at him with all the gentleness of budding flower and sends them off with a list of groceries to pick up.

When the pair start running they take Hajime’s favorite route, the one by the river. They run slower than usual, still a bit sore from yesterday’s game and not wanting strain Tooru’s knee. Hajime had insisted he wear the supporter, even though Tooru usually doesn’t for light exercise like running. After a good couple laps, the two sit down at the riverbank to cool down. Tooru feels a lot better, runner’s high doing it’s magic. But he still doesn’t think he’d be able to keep down a pastry. Hajime, like usual, reads his mind and silently passes the bakery in favor of the vending machine and gets them drinks. There’s a really nice breeze. Tooru is glad to be outside, even though it feels like a gaping hole has taken the place of his heart.

Tooru doesn’t take notice of the comfortable silence until a couple breaks it. The two takes a seat a little away from them. Their giggles and loud conversation irritates Tooru in the way it only does on days like this. Hajime doesn’t even notice them until Tooru lets out an annoyed huff.

“What?” The shorter follows his gaze to the couple, “You act like you aren’t just as bad.” he chuckles, endeared by the destroyer of Tooru’s peace. 

“Me?” Tooru says, incredulous, “How am I like them?”

“Loud, show-offy,” Hajime lists, “giggly, especially when the relationship is new, and-”

“How would you know Iwa-chan? You haven’t met anyone I date since first year.” Tooru says and instantly regrets bringing it up. This was on him. He’s been dating more boys than girls these past two years and he purposefully avoided introducing them to Hajime. He opens his mouth to say something but Hajime beats him to it.

“Right,” he bites his lips, “I….haven’t. That’s kind of weird. How did this happen? I have been….avoiding talking about your love life for a while, haven’t I? Sorry..”

“Not entirely your fault, Iwa-chan. Nothing lasted for long enough to bring it up anyway. I avoided it too.”

“Yeah, but you’re a little shit. I should have asked.”

“Oh my god, don’t insult me so casually, you prick!”

Hajime laughs, “But that’s what I do. I insult you casually, so you whine and then I bring up what we need to talk about. That’s what we’ve always done. That’s what we’re going to do now.” He puts away the bottle of tea he was sipping on and turns his whole body towards Tooru. His face is set with determination and as much as Tooru doesn’t want to have this conversation, he knows he needs to. Hajime needs it too. So he braces himself. 

“I know I was strange around you for a few weeks before the practice match with Karasuno.” Tooru opens his mouth to protest but Hajime cuts him off again, “Save the I didn’t notice bullshit, Oikawa. I know you noticed. You always do. I want to apologize. I’m sorry about that.”

“It’s okay, Iwa-chan. Something was on your mind and you needed space. I understood. It stung a bit, I won’t lie. But you’re you. I knew you’d come around.”

“It’s the same for me, Oikawa.” The sincerity in Hajime’s voice startles Tooru. “I...I don’t know why but it’s hard for me to be direct about these feelings with you.That bothers me a lot.”

“I know, Iwa-chan, I know you care about me. You don’t have to say it out loud.”

“But I do though. I know how you get sometimes.” Hajime knocks their shoulders together, “Stuck in that big fat head of yours, thinking too much, going round and round, questioning the obvious. I hope you never question this. You are my best friend, Oikawa and I….,” Hajime trails off, hesitates, but continues. He looks Tooru in the eye and says, “I love you.”

Hajime holds his gaze and Tooru is dumbfounded. His brain puts the simple words away and focuses on the how beautiful the boy in front of Tooru is. Hajime, with his pink cheeks and red ears, is trying so hard to not look away from embarrassment.  This stupid, perfect, mesmerizing idiot. What’s he so embarrassed about?

“There! I said it! Go ahead, do your worst.” Hajime finally gives in and looks away.

Tooru swallows, and just stares some more. Hajime is the most enthralling creature in the universe and Tooru feels like a blackhole. He wants to pull Hajime to him, hide him under his skin and keep him there forever. Tooru feels so empty, so full of nothing. Surely there’s space enough for Hajime in him. 

“I love you too, Iwa-chan.” is all he manages. 

Hajime looks up at him and understands. He knocks their shoulders together again and they sit there in silence. Tooru remembers the list Riko handed to them and the shopping they need to do. They leave when the couple quiets down and the girl rests her head on the boy’s shoulder. Hajime says it’s sweet, Tooru agrees and he hates the world a bit.

It’s a bad day. It’s just a bad day. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> failed step 3.

**Author's Note:**

> kudos are appreciated.  
> comments/general feedback is more than appreciated.  
> thank you for reading <3  
> [tumblr.](http://word-sss.tumblr.com)


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